What we really mean

I really don't know what they are teaching you students in B-Schools these days. We get candidates who really cannot read between the lines.

To help the millions of you hanging by every word I say, let me give you a hand in deciphering what HR says and what it actually means.

(1) Good communication Skills
The candidate should be an expert at bluffing, have the presence of mind to blame others for his own errors and be able to give his boss a good verbal/metaphorical blow job.

(2) Good computer skills
The candidate should be able to send and receive emails the whole day long.

(3) Willing to work in shifts
The candidate should be willing to work exclusively in night shifts. Also, if and when required, work for 36 hours at a stretch, without any sleep whatsoever.

(4) Possess ability to multi-task
The candidate should be able to balance doing his own work as well as doing his boss's personal & professional errands ALL before the boss goes home. This is a minimum qualification.

(5) Good presentation skills
The candidate should posses the ability to say all the same things over and over again using a different set of words and a different set of power point slides. Knowing sites with free clip art images is an added plus.

(6) Reimbursement Policy among the best in the Industry
We'll be damned if the actual salary is anywhere close to what we dangle in front of you before you sign the joining papers.

(7) Provision of Cab facility
We pick up and drop our employees from their homes like they used to pick up and drop prisoners in Nazi Germany. In fact, they were pussies compared to us.

(8) We provide our employees with Medical Coverage
Our medical room is stocked with Aspirin and Paracetamol. Heart attack? Walk it off.

(9) Well stocked pantry
Want to eat something non-biodegradable and pay shitloads of money for it? Come eat in our canteen.

(10) The candidate should be self-motivated
The candidate should have enough self-confidence so that he is not driven to kill himself after he is told that he is "a no good scumbag with no talent whatsoever" by his boss on a daily basis.

(11) Should be a team player
The candidate should let his boss take credit for all his good work and should let himself be blamed when the shit hits the fan.

(12) Should practice Corporate Social Responsibility
The candidate is expected to donate to the company's fictitious charity fund.

(13) The candidate will be given time to adjust in his new role
The candidate will only be promoted when hell freezes over or when pigs fly.

(14) Six Sigma or equivalent certified
The candidate should be able to eschew such fancy-schmancy words like six sigma and other stuff that can be stolen from Jack Welch's book.

(15) Willing to take on other responsibilities
The candidate should be willing to spend his free time (a) delivering the boss's dry-cleaning, (b) chauffeur-ring the boss's family around town and (c) bringing the boss's coffee everyday.

I hope this has been helpful to all you candidates out there. This should not leave any ambiguity.

A raise is out of the question

These kids today have become so greedy. They keep on asking for a raise. They keep telling me that inflation is high and that it is difficult for them to make ends meet. I simply tell them to cut down on luxuries like electricity, water and lunch. Even I have. In fact, I have now started drinking Evian water which is available in India instead of getting it specially bottled and sent from France. You know how hard it is? I also have cut down on my usual eight cups of soya latte with a hazzelnut flavor with whipped cream and Armenian nuts. Yes, I ask the Barista not to add whipped cream to my coffee. See the sacrifices I have to make? And these employees are after my life for a raise. If they are good employees they should not ask for a raise every two years. These are hard times. The revenue from the United States has decreased because of the weakness of the dollar. Even though our companies have now started charging in Euro, we still need to cut about 10% of everybody's salaries across the board to meet our projeted targets. However, the cut only applies to lower management and the frontline. Of course, we will lessen the employees workload by an hour per month. That will also give them that extra time with their families they keep asking for. I still don't understand why people want to spend time with their family. Instead of spending time with their families, they should be thinking about ways to improve their performance at work. God, the kids today are too lazy I tell you.

In the afternoon today, one of my employee came to ask me for a raise. He told me that his wife needs an eye operation soon because his new child was born with some medical disorder. Using my infinite wisdom I told him to get his child admitted to the hospital and then leave it there. No harm no foul. But the fool started to threaten me. I called security first and while security was dragging him out, I told him that he was fired and that he can forget his salary for this month. He immediately turned to mush and begged me for my forgiveness. He said that right now he cannot afford to be jobless even for a day. Being the forgiving person I am, I hired him back with a 15% cut in salary. Also, for the next three weekends he would be coming to my house to do some odd jobs for me like mow my lawn and clean my toilet(s). Of course I have a full-time gardener and two servants to take care of all this, but I need to teach him a lesson. Watching him cry while he cleans my jaccuzi is something I'm going to enjoy immensely. Poor basted. I would've helped him. However, the insurance money that had been given to me to dispense to my team, I have already spent on my ex-girl friend's boob job. Hey, now that I think about it, this gives me an idea. I can make this guy sign papers which will say that the money was used for his wife's eye surgery. And of course he'll sign the papers. He wants his job, na. I knew this blogging thing was a good idea. As they say, to the victor belong the spoils.

Interviews, Delegation and other stories

When I conduct an interview, I don't want to know what you did or what your qualifications are. I don't give a shit about that. All I want to judge is whether you are dumb enough for me to use to further my career. If you are qualified and intelligent, go get a job somewhere else. I don't want you. This company wasn't built on teamwork, quality and integrity. This company was built on backstabbing, huge amounts of ass kissing, and taking credit for someone else's work. And of course, my favorite, blaming a subordinate when things screw up.

I mean if you have an actual vision and ideas, I'm sorry, we don't want you. To me, the perfect fit would be people who are so incapable that no other company would give them a job. One never puts the right person in the right job. You always put an extremely unqualified person for a job. It keeps him indebted to you and the fucker never tries to cross the boss. And if he does, I always have enough proof against him (remember that email you sent which made the client withdraw the project? I have it on multiple files). Also, then you can get them to do stuff like pick up your dry cleaning or take your girlfriend to the abortion clinic. Little things that you can't make time for.

And you may ask, what about the work? Who does the work? Well, that is what subordinates are for. The key to a successful organization is delegation. All the work for the top tier and middle management is handled by our lower management and the frontline. Why else would they need to put in extra hours?

Eg: I had one frontline exec make a beautiful presentation to present to our prospective clients. The poor frontline guy was up all night along with his brother (who had to miss his board exam the next day because of my presentation .... chuckle chuckle) making the presentation, while I was extremely busy errr .... window shopping for a new car and getting a err..ummm... medical massage.

Of course, he won't get paid extra. The poor basted thinks that this will get him extra credit in my mind. Truthfully, I would never promote him. He DOES all the work. Plus he has integrity. Always a no-no. I mean he has never taken credit for someone else's work, never blamed anyone for his screwups, always puts company before self and he has never even taken a day off for any flimsy personal reason and has never ever kissed my ass. He's just not management material. If I promote him, he'll have my job in a year's time.

Sadly, I'll have to have his manager frustrate the hell out of him so that he gets demoralized and leaves on his own. Works out for everybody. That's what they call a win-win situation.

Good Riddance ....

Ufff!!! These kids today. I tell you. No sense of responsibility. One of my subordinates left today and the crazy hr lady was after my life.

I don't understand why people blame me. All I did was make him stay back for a few hours. So what if he was getting married? So what if 500 to 600 people were kept waiting? Work comes first, remember. In my day, we had a saying, work is worship. That guy just sent a mail to HR and left. And to think I almost was about to congratulate him. I might have even given him a half-day off tomorrow.

Hrmph. Good riddance to bad rubbish. His loss i say. His loss.

Anways, to see the silver lining in the dark cloud, as I am such a positive person, he left near appraisal time. So that means more money for me. What a chump!! I guess good things happen to good people.

Out of the box thinking

So the millions of you would be wondering how a successful boss like me would handle appraisals. Let me tell you how the best in the business does it.

See, first thing to remember is too use a few fancy phrases like, Out of the box, Outside the normal workflow, Out of pocket, Pro-active thinking, Self-starter, Value-adder etc. etc.

The beauty of using these phrases is that most people don’t know what they mean and rather than asking or doing a search on Google, they just pretend they know what it means. And they can be used both in negative and positive ways. And if you really want to have some fun, keep making them up as you go along. Like Zero-based thinking, Information-retainer, Value-add leader, Einstein of the project, Playing hide and seek with success …. Stuff like that.

And when you hit people with phrases, it takes them time to hit you back with a proper question or answer and you can move on to the next point while they are thinking of a good question/reply.

I hope this demystifying session has been helpful in removing the sandgrains from your brain. (See what I did here, man I’m so good at this shit!!).

Whew!! I’ve been busy . . .

I know the millions of you who are reading this weblog were waiting for an update from me. Sorry to keep you waiting. You see I was really busy doing performance reviews for my team. No it’s not their final review, it’s their pre-appraisal review. Basically, I use this opportunity to lower the expectations of my subordinates. I make them think that they are useless and might not get anything in the formal appraisal cycle. And then when I hand them peanuts in the form of a raise, they are actually happy. Poor basteds. You should see their faces when I trifle their efforts and tell them that the 18+ hours per day they spent at the office all amount to horseshit. If they don’t cry before they leave my office, I really feel sad. It gives me such satisfaction to see the tension and to see the expression of helplessness on their faces. I only wish I could’ve been there when they tell their hapless wives. Ahhhh!! What fun. Life is good. Praise the lord!!

The reason that I am so miser with raises is that is the company allots us a certain amount for the whole teams raise, including me. So, if I don’t hand them peanuts, then I don’t get anything. Simple economics, baby. Or mathematics depends on whichever way you swing.

Crazy HR Lady

I certainly don’t understand this new need of a work-life balance. In my day the term work life balance was not present. As long as you worked and got paid your life was balanced. I don’t know where these people get these ideas from. And the new HR head. She wants to change the way people work. She wants to reduce working hours. I told her off. I said that just because you were educated at Harvard and MIT does not mean that you make such sudden and drastic changes. She looked at me like I was the moron. I said to her that she should take things slow. I mean I just agreed to two fifteen minute breaks in the 18 hour workday. What more does she want? I almost feel that I should have let her remain at her old position in Google. Just because you achieve 0% attrition in your department for four straight years does not make you a good manager. Dumb Bitch!! These radical change demanding women, I tell you. I shudder to think what will happen if this Hillary becomes president.

The Pregnant Call

So I caught this employee attending a personal call during work hours. I was really pissed off. He said that it was an emergency. His wife was having a baby. I gave him a piece of my mind. I said that we should not pick up any personal calls in office. I told him that he knows the rule that personal calls are for personal time. He should not have wasted those precious forty five seconds which we could’ve used to add value to our clients project. On top of that he wanted an emergency leave because of his baby. I asked him if he was sure that the baby was his as we rarely allow associates at his level to go home before spending 23 hours in the office per day. He curtly replied that the baby was his. Jesus Christ. I was just trying to help. There is no goodness left in the world, I tell you. Anyways I told him that if he leaves the office before midnight, I would terminate him there and then and he would have to pay two months salary in lieu of his notice period as per his contract. He begged and pleaded but I told him that rules are rules and that he should have thought about that nine months ago. I also instructed his manager to give him more workload as it seems that he has time to have sex with his wife. What has this world come too!!

The Holiday

So I reached work a little later than usual. I had just two hours before everyone else comes in. So I took my Soy latte went into my office and started to check my email.

I was aghast. An employee wanted an off for Holi because his sister is getting married and his dad is confined to a wheelchair and his mother is blind. Is he crazy? Is that considered an excuse big enough to take an off? Doesn’t he know that he is working for India’s leading backoffice firm? So I rejected his application. How dare he? Doesn’t he know that our client is our priority? That no matter what the client should always be served. After all our client is a Fortune 1500 company. They don’t get bigger than that. Errr. Okay. Just 1499 companies bigger than that. But that is still prestigious.

Anyways, the human resource department wants to organize a team lunch for employees. I said okay as long as the employees bring their lunch from home and it’s not on company time. They then said that the company should pay for it. I reminded them that there is nothing known as a free lunch. Geez. Who do they think we are? Burger King?