It's not work, it's war.

Some people don't realize how easy they have it these days. Awesome managers like me are much more lenient than the people we had back when I was just starting out.

My subordinates complain to HR that I don't motivate them. This really stumps me, because I spend my whole day trying to motivate them. I will concede that my methods of motivation may not be traditional, but, nonetheless, they are very effective, to say the least.

I believe that you don't motivate someone by dangling a carrot in front of them as a reward for their hard work. People only work hard if you put the fear of God inside of them. (FYI, by God, of course I mean me. But you got that!)

The following is my philosophy of motivation:

1. Divide and Rule - You need to be sure that you create a situation of acrimony between all your subordinates. They should hate each other more than they hate their mothers-in-law. If the people on your team get along, they probably are plotting against you. The best way to do this is to play each team member against each other. This way they will continuously undermine each other at every point and will cease to be a threat to you. Hey, it worked for the British empire, it should work for you. An added advantage of this would be that the pithy amount of money allocated for the monthly team parties can be used to finance your own alcoholism because no one in the team will be willing to hang out with each other outside of work.

2. Never give any credit - Under no circumstance should you ever lavish praise on a subordinate. This is a strict no-no. This will keep them on their toes, and they will be subconsciously always trying to seek your approval. If you give in, it will give them a sense of satisfaction and thus will lead to them slacking off. In fact, even if the person has done an extremely good job, all you need to do is try to find some fault or the other. This might have the added advantage of damaging the team member's psyche and their self-confidence may take a hit. Well, I won't lie to you. That is my favourite part.

3. Always short on time - Never give your subordinates enough time required to complete a task. This way they will have to compromise on the quality of their work in some way or the other and you can hold it against them during their appraisal. It will also ensure that they remain indebted and will not try to plan a coup against you.

4. Make a mountain out of a mole hill - Whenever one of your subordinates makes a small mistake, always make sure to let everyone in the company know. Specially your superiors who think that they can replace you with any random young hot shot. Also, this is a great opportunity to humiliate your team members. For eg: If a subordinate has a typo in a client email, contact HR to arrange a "Business English" training module for him.  Team meetings are the best place to highlight individual flaws. This helps to add unnecessary tension to even the most menial of tasks. I consider it a personal failure if at least half my team doesn't suffer from high blood pressure. The thing is, the more tense people are, the more mistakes they are bound to make. The more mistakes they make, the more opportunities you get to humiliate them. The more you humiliate them, the more secure your job becomes. If they can't replace you, they can't fire you.

The gist of my strategy is, if anyone who works for you doesn't think of the office as a war zone, you're doing it wrong.

An Idea can change your life

This recession is already cramping my style. I hired a new secretary a few weeks ago and I had to let her go today. I actually did not hire her for any work. I already have an ugly and old secretary for that. I hired this one for ...ummm other purposes. And I hadn't even sealed the deal and that HR lady made me fire her. Suddenly we all need to "buckle our belts" and make "some sacrifices". Well, if people have to make sacrifices, why does it have to be me. I would have happily fired an associate or two to pay for my hot secretary. And I should be the last one to buckle my belt. After all, a man's got needs, you know.

I really am tired of that HR lady. If it wasn't for the time I got drunk at the office party and made out with her, I would have fired her already. But I can't. Apparently she knows a very good sexual harassment lawyer.

Bitch.

Hey, now that I think about it again, she might even have tricked me.

Maybe I should sue her for sexual harassment.

As the last guy I fired used to say, What an idea Sirjee.

What we really mean

I really don't know what they are teaching you students in B-Schools these days. We get candidates who really cannot read between the lines.

To help the millions of you hanging by every word I say, let me give you a hand in deciphering what HR says and what it actually means.

(1) Good communication Skills
The candidate should be an expert at bluffing, have the presence of mind to blame others for his own errors and be able to give his boss a good verbal/metaphorical blow job.

(2) Good computer skills
The candidate should be able to send and receive emails the whole day long.

(3) Willing to work in shifts
The candidate should be willing to work exclusively in night shifts. Also, if and when required, work for 36 hours at a stretch, without any sleep whatsoever.

(4) Possess ability to multi-task
The candidate should be able to balance doing his own work as well as doing his boss's personal & professional errands ALL before the boss goes home. This is a minimum qualification.

(5) Good presentation skills
The candidate should posses the ability to say all the same things over and over again using a different set of words and a different set of power point slides. Knowing sites with free clip art images is an added plus.

(6) Reimbursement Policy among the best in the Industry
We'll be damned if the actual salary is anywhere close to what we dangle in front of you before you sign the joining papers.

(7) Provision of Cab facility
We pick up and drop our employees from their homes like they used to pick up and drop prisoners in Nazi Germany. In fact, they were pussies compared to us.

(8) We provide our employees with Medical Coverage
Our medical room is stocked with Aspirin and Paracetamol. Heart attack? Walk it off.

(9) Well stocked pantry
Want to eat something non-biodegradable and pay shitloads of money for it? Come eat in our canteen.

(10) The candidate should be self-motivated
The candidate should have enough self-confidence so that he is not driven to kill himself after he is told that he is "a no good scumbag with no talent whatsoever" by his boss on a daily basis.

(11) Should be a team player
The candidate should let his boss take credit for all his good work and should let himself be blamed when the shit hits the fan.

(12) Should practice Corporate Social Responsibility
The candidate is expected to donate to the company's fictitious charity fund.

(13) The candidate will be given time to adjust in his new role
The candidate will only be promoted when hell freezes over or when pigs fly.

(14) Six Sigma or equivalent certified
The candidate should be able to eschew such fancy-schmancy words like six sigma and other stuff that can be stolen from Jack Welch's book.

(15) Willing to take on other responsibilities
The candidate should be willing to spend his free time (a) delivering the boss's dry-cleaning, (b) chauffeur-ring the boss's family around town and (c) bringing the boss's coffee everyday.

I hope this has been helpful to all you candidates out there. This should not leave any ambiguity.

A raise is out of the question

These kids today have become so greedy. They keep on asking for a raise. They keep telling me that inflation is high and that it is difficult for them to make ends meet. I simply tell them to cut down on luxuries like electricity, water and lunch. Even I have. In fact, I have now started drinking Evian water which is available in India instead of getting it specially bottled and sent from France. You know how hard it is? I also have cut down on my usual eight cups of soya latte with a hazzelnut flavor with whipped cream and Armenian nuts. Yes, I ask the Barista not to add whipped cream to my coffee. See the sacrifices I have to make? And these employees are after my life for a raise. If they are good employees they should not ask for a raise every two years. These are hard times. The revenue from the United States has decreased because of the weakness of the dollar. Even though our companies have now started charging in Euro, we still need to cut about 10% of everybody's salaries across the board to meet our projeted targets. However, the cut only applies to lower management and the frontline. Of course, we will lessen the employees workload by an hour per month. That will also give them that extra time with their families they keep asking for. I still don't understand why people want to spend time with their family. Instead of spending time with their families, they should be thinking about ways to improve their performance at work. God, the kids today are too lazy I tell you.

In the afternoon today, one of my employee came to ask me for a raise. He told me that his wife needs an eye operation soon because his new child was born with some medical disorder. Using my infinite wisdom I told him to get his child admitted to the hospital and then leave it there. No harm no foul. But the fool started to threaten me. I called security first and while security was dragging him out, I told him that he was fired and that he can forget his salary for this month. He immediately turned to mush and begged me for my forgiveness. He said that right now he cannot afford to be jobless even for a day. Being the forgiving person I am, I hired him back with a 15% cut in salary. Also, for the next three weekends he would be coming to my house to do some odd jobs for me like mow my lawn and clean my toilet(s). Of course I have a full-time gardener and two servants to take care of all this, but I need to teach him a lesson. Watching him cry while he cleans my jaccuzi is something I'm going to enjoy immensely. Poor basted. I would've helped him. However, the insurance money that had been given to me to dispense to my team, I have already spent on my ex-girl friend's boob job. Hey, now that I think about it, this gives me an idea. I can make this guy sign papers which will say that the money was used for his wife's eye surgery. And of course he'll sign the papers. He wants his job, na. I knew this blogging thing was a good idea. As they say, to the victor belong the spoils.

Interviews, Delegation and other stories

When I conduct an interview, I don't want to know what you did or what your qualifications are. I don't give a shit about that. All I want to judge is whether you are dumb enough for me to use to further my career. If you are qualified and intelligent, go get a job somewhere else. I don't want you. This company wasn't built on teamwork, quality and integrity. This company was built on backstabbing, huge amounts of ass kissing, and taking credit for someone else's work. And of course, my favorite, blaming a subordinate when things screw up.

I mean if you have an actual vision and ideas, I'm sorry, we don't want you. To me, the perfect fit would be people who are so incapable that no other company would give them a job. One never puts the right person in the right job. You always put an extremely unqualified person for a job. It keeps him indebted to you and the fucker never tries to cross the boss. And if he does, I always have enough proof against him (remember that email you sent which made the client withdraw the project? I have it on multiple files). Also, then you can get them to do stuff like pick up your dry cleaning or take your girlfriend to the abortion clinic. Little things that you can't make time for.

And you may ask, what about the work? Who does the work? Well, that is what subordinates are for. The key to a successful organization is delegation. All the work for the top tier and middle management is handled by our lower management and the frontline. Why else would they need to put in extra hours?

Eg: I had one frontline exec make a beautiful presentation to present to our prospective clients. The poor frontline guy was up all night along with his brother (who had to miss his board exam the next day because of my presentation .... chuckle chuckle) making the presentation, while I was extremely busy errr .... window shopping for a new car and getting a err..ummm... medical massage.

Of course, he won't get paid extra. The poor basted thinks that this will get him extra credit in my mind. Truthfully, I would never promote him. He DOES all the work. Plus he has integrity. Always a no-no. I mean he has never taken credit for someone else's work, never blamed anyone for his screwups, always puts company before self and he has never even taken a day off for any flimsy personal reason and has never ever kissed my ass. He's just not management material. If I promote him, he'll have my job in a year's time.

Sadly, I'll have to have his manager frustrate the hell out of him so that he gets demoralized and leaves on his own. Works out for everybody. That's what they call a win-win situation.

Good Riddance ....

Ufff!!! These kids today. I tell you. No sense of responsibility. One of my subordinates left today and the crazy hr lady was after my life.

I don't understand why people blame me. All I did was make him stay back for a few hours. So what if he was getting married? So what if 500 to 600 people were kept waiting? Work comes first, remember. In my day, we had a saying, work is worship. That guy just sent a mail to HR and left. And to think I almost was about to congratulate him. I might have even given him a half-day off tomorrow.

Hrmph. Good riddance to bad rubbish. His loss i say. His loss.

Anways, to see the silver lining in the dark cloud, as I am such a positive person, he left near appraisal time. So that means more money for me. What a chump!! I guess good things happen to good people.

Out of the box thinking

So the millions of you would be wondering how a successful boss like me would handle appraisals. Let me tell you how the best in the business does it.

See, first thing to remember is too use a few fancy phrases like, Out of the box, Outside the normal workflow, Out of pocket, Pro-active thinking, Self-starter, Value-adder etc. etc.

The beauty of using these phrases is that most people don’t know what they mean and rather than asking or doing a search on Google, they just pretend they know what it means. And they can be used both in negative and positive ways. And if you really want to have some fun, keep making them up as you go along. Like Zero-based thinking, Information-retainer, Value-add leader, Einstein of the project, Playing hide and seek with success …. Stuff like that.

And when you hit people with phrases, it takes them time to hit you back with a proper question or answer and you can move on to the next point while they are thinking of a good question/reply.

I hope this demystifying session has been helpful in removing the sandgrains from your brain. (See what I did here, man I’m so good at this shit!!).