A raise is out of the question

These kids today have become so greedy. They keep on asking for a raise. They keep telling me that inflation is high and that it is difficult for them to make ends meet. I simply tell them to cut down on luxuries like electricity, water and lunch. Even I have. In fact, I have now started drinking Evian water which is available in India instead of getting it specially bottled and sent from France. You know how hard it is? I also have cut down on my usual eight cups of soya latte with a hazzelnut flavor with whipped cream and Armenian nuts. Yes, I ask the Barista not to add whipped cream to my coffee. See the sacrifices I have to make? And these employees are after my life for a raise. If they are good employees they should not ask for a raise every two years. These are hard times. The revenue from the United States has decreased because of the weakness of the dollar. Even though our companies have now started charging in Euro, we still need to cut about 10% of everybody's salaries across the board to meet our projeted targets. However, the cut only applies to lower management and the frontline. Of course, we will lessen the employees workload by an hour per month. That will also give them that extra time with their families they keep asking for. I still don't understand why people want to spend time with their family. Instead of spending time with their families, they should be thinking about ways to improve their performance at work. God, the kids today are too lazy I tell you.

In the afternoon today, one of my employee came to ask me for a raise. He told me that his wife needs an eye operation soon because his new child was born with some medical disorder. Using my infinite wisdom I told him to get his child admitted to the hospital and then leave it there. No harm no foul. But the fool started to threaten me. I called security first and while security was dragging him out, I told him that he was fired and that he can forget his salary for this month. He immediately turned to mush and begged me for my forgiveness. He said that right now he cannot afford to be jobless even for a day. Being the forgiving person I am, I hired him back with a 15% cut in salary. Also, for the next three weekends he would be coming to my house to do some odd jobs for me like mow my lawn and clean my toilet(s). Of course I have a full-time gardener and two servants to take care of all this, but I need to teach him a lesson. Watching him cry while he cleans my jaccuzi is something I'm going to enjoy immensely. Poor basted. I would've helped him. However, the insurance money that had been given to me to dispense to my team, I have already spent on my ex-girl friend's boob job. Hey, now that I think about it, this gives me an idea. I can make this guy sign papers which will say that the money was used for his wife's eye surgery. And of course he'll sign the papers. He wants his job, na. I knew this blogging thing was a good idea. As they say, to the victor belong the spoils.

Interviews, Delegation and other stories

When I conduct an interview, I don't want to know what you did or what your qualifications are. I don't give a shit about that. All I want to judge is whether you are dumb enough for me to use to further my career. If you are qualified and intelligent, go get a job somewhere else. I don't want you. This company wasn't built on teamwork, quality and integrity. This company was built on backstabbing, huge amounts of ass kissing, and taking credit for someone else's work. And of course, my favorite, blaming a subordinate when things screw up.

I mean if you have an actual vision and ideas, I'm sorry, we don't want you. To me, the perfect fit would be people who are so incapable that no other company would give them a job. One never puts the right person in the right job. You always put an extremely unqualified person for a job. It keeps him indebted to you and the fucker never tries to cross the boss. And if he does, I always have enough proof against him (remember that email you sent which made the client withdraw the project? I have it on multiple files). Also, then you can get them to do stuff like pick up your dry cleaning or take your girlfriend to the abortion clinic. Little things that you can't make time for.

And you may ask, what about the work? Who does the work? Well, that is what subordinates are for. The key to a successful organization is delegation. All the work for the top tier and middle management is handled by our lower management and the frontline. Why else would they need to put in extra hours?

Eg: I had one frontline exec make a beautiful presentation to present to our prospective clients. The poor frontline guy was up all night along with his brother (who had to miss his board exam the next day because of my presentation .... chuckle chuckle) making the presentation, while I was extremely busy errr .... window shopping for a new car and getting a err..ummm... medical massage.

Of course, he won't get paid extra. The poor basted thinks that this will get him extra credit in my mind. Truthfully, I would never promote him. He DOES all the work. Plus he has integrity. Always a no-no. I mean he has never taken credit for someone else's work, never blamed anyone for his screwups, always puts company before self and he has never even taken a day off for any flimsy personal reason and has never ever kissed my ass. He's just not management material. If I promote him, he'll have my job in a year's time.

Sadly, I'll have to have his manager frustrate the hell out of him so that he gets demoralized and leaves on his own. Works out for everybody. That's what they call a win-win situation.

Good Riddance ....

Ufff!!! These kids today. I tell you. No sense of responsibility. One of my subordinates left today and the crazy hr lady was after my life.

I don't understand why people blame me. All I did was make him stay back for a few hours. So what if he was getting married? So what if 500 to 600 people were kept waiting? Work comes first, remember. In my day, we had a saying, work is worship. That guy just sent a mail to HR and left. And to think I almost was about to congratulate him. I might have even given him a half-day off tomorrow.

Hrmph. Good riddance to bad rubbish. His loss i say. His loss.

Anways, to see the silver lining in the dark cloud, as I am such a positive person, he left near appraisal time. So that means more money for me. What a chump!! I guess good things happen to good people.

Out of the box thinking

So the millions of you would be wondering how a successful boss like me would handle appraisals. Let me tell you how the best in the business does it.

See, first thing to remember is too use a few fancy phrases like, Out of the box, Outside the normal workflow, Out of pocket, Pro-active thinking, Self-starter, Value-adder etc. etc.

The beauty of using these phrases is that most people don’t know what they mean and rather than asking or doing a search on Google, they just pretend they know what it means. And they can be used both in negative and positive ways. And if you really want to have some fun, keep making them up as you go along. Like Zero-based thinking, Information-retainer, Value-add leader, Einstein of the project, Playing hide and seek with success …. Stuff like that.

And when you hit people with phrases, it takes them time to hit you back with a proper question or answer and you can move on to the next point while they are thinking of a good question/reply.

I hope this demystifying session has been helpful in removing the sandgrains from your brain. (See what I did here, man I’m so good at this shit!!).