To help the millions of you hanging by every word I say, let me give you a hand in deciphering what HR says and what it actually means.
(1) Good communication Skills
The candidate should be an expert at bluffing, have the presence of mind to blame others for his own errors and be able to give his boss a good verbal/metaphorical blow job.
(2) Good computer skills
The candidate should be able to send and receive emails the whole day long.
(3) Willing to work in shifts
The candidate should be willing to work exclusively in night shifts. Also, if and when required, work for 36 hours at a stretch, without any sleep whatsoever.
(4) Possess ability to multi-task
The candidate should be able to balance doing his own work as well as doing his boss's personal & professional errands ALL before the boss goes home. This is a minimum qualification.
(5) Good presentation skills
The candidate should posses the ability to say all the same things over and over again using a different set of words and a different set of power point slides. Knowing sites with free clip art images is an added plus.
(6) Reimbursement Policy among the best in the Industry
We'll be damned if the actual salary is anywhere close to what we dangle in front of you before you sign the joining papers.
(7) Provision of Cab facility
We pick up and drop our employees from their homes like they used to pick up and drop prisoners in Nazi Germany. In fact, they were pussies compared to us.
(8) We provide our employees with Medical Coverage
Our medical room is stocked with Aspirin and Paracetamol. Heart attack? Walk it off.
(9) Well stocked pantry
Want to eat something non-biodegradable and pay shitloads of money for it? Come eat in our canteen.
(10) The candidate should be self-motivated
The candidate should have enough self-confidence so that he is not driven to kill himself after he is told that he is "a no good scumbag with no talent whatsoever" by his boss on a daily basis.
(11) Should be a team player
The candidate should let his boss take credit for all his good work and should let himself be blamed when the shit hits the fan.
(12) Should practice Corporate Social Responsibility
The candidate is expected to donate to the company's
(13) The candidate will be given time to adjust in his new role
The candidate will only be promoted when hell freezes over or when pigs fly.
(14) Six Sigma or equivalent certified
The candidate should be able to eschew such fancy-schmancy words like six sigma and other stuff that can be stolen from Jack Welch's book.
(15) Willing to take on other responsibilities
The candidate should be willing to spend his free time (a) delivering the boss's dry-cleaning, (b) chauffeur-ring the boss's family around town and (c) bringing the boss's coffee everyday.
I hope this has been helpful to all you candidates out there. This should not leave any ambiguity.
