Whew!! I’ve been busy . . .

I know the millions of you who are reading this weblog were waiting for an update from me. Sorry to keep you waiting. You see I was really busy doing performance reviews for my team. No it’s not their final review, it’s their pre-appraisal review. Basically, I use this opportunity to lower the expectations of my subordinates. I make them think that they are useless and might not get anything in the formal appraisal cycle. And then when I hand them peanuts in the form of a raise, they are actually happy. Poor basteds. You should see their faces when I trifle their efforts and tell them that the 18+ hours per day they spent at the office all amount to horseshit. If they don’t cry before they leave my office, I really feel sad. It gives me such satisfaction to see the tension and to see the expression of helplessness on their faces. I only wish I could’ve been there when they tell their hapless wives. Ahhhh!! What fun. Life is good. Praise the lord!!

The reason that I am so miser with raises is that is the company allots us a certain amount for the whole teams raise, including me. So, if I don’t hand them peanuts, then I don’t get anything. Simple economics, baby. Or mathematics depends on whichever way you swing.

Crazy HR Lady

I certainly don’t understand this new need of a work-life balance. In my day the term work life balance was not present. As long as you worked and got paid your life was balanced. I don’t know where these people get these ideas from. And the new HR head. She wants to change the way people work. She wants to reduce working hours. I told her off. I said that just because you were educated at Harvard and MIT does not mean that you make such sudden and drastic changes. She looked at me like I was the moron. I said to her that she should take things slow. I mean I just agreed to two fifteen minute breaks in the 18 hour workday. What more does she want? I almost feel that I should have let her remain at her old position in Google. Just because you achieve 0% attrition in your department for four straight years does not make you a good manager. Dumb Bitch!! These radical change demanding women, I tell you. I shudder to think what will happen if this Hillary becomes president.

The Pregnant Call

So I caught this employee attending a personal call during work hours. I was really pissed off. He said that it was an emergency. His wife was having a baby. I gave him a piece of my mind. I said that we should not pick up any personal calls in office. I told him that he knows the rule that personal calls are for personal time. He should not have wasted those precious forty five seconds which we could’ve used to add value to our clients project. On top of that he wanted an emergency leave because of his baby. I asked him if he was sure that the baby was his as we rarely allow associates at his level to go home before spending 23 hours in the office per day. He curtly replied that the baby was his. Jesus Christ. I was just trying to help. There is no goodness left in the world, I tell you. Anyways I told him that if he leaves the office before midnight, I would terminate him there and then and he would have to pay two months salary in lieu of his notice period as per his contract. He begged and pleaded but I told him that rules are rules and that he should have thought about that nine months ago. I also instructed his manager to give him more workload as it seems that he has time to have sex with his wife. What has this world come too!!

The Holiday

So I reached work a little later than usual. I had just two hours before everyone else comes in. So I took my Soy latte went into my office and started to check my email.

I was aghast. An employee wanted an off for Holi because his sister is getting married and his dad is confined to a wheelchair and his mother is blind. Is he crazy? Is that considered an excuse big enough to take an off? Doesn’t he know that he is working for India’s leading backoffice firm? So I rejected his application. How dare he? Doesn’t he know that our client is our priority? That no matter what the client should always be served. After all our client is a Fortune 1500 company. They don’t get bigger than that. Errr. Okay. Just 1499 companies bigger than that. But that is still prestigious.

Anyways, the human resource department wants to organize a team lunch for employees. I said okay as long as the employees bring their lunch from home and it’s not on company time. They then said that the company should pay for it. I reminded them that there is nothing known as a free lunch. Geez. Who do they think we are? Burger King?